She Said

I published this blog originally on wordpress on 29 Aug 2020, planning to shut down that site, hence moved this here.

This blog is a collection of stories, stories of women who have faced harassment in their lives from men. It is a long blog, yes, but please take some time out to read it completely. If you don’t think you can finish it in one go, do bookmark it and read it whenever you have time.

Why is it important for you to read this blog? To understand the following

1. A shocking number of women get harassed in their lives.
2. Most of them don’t do anything about it, don’t know what can be done about it.
3. Women don’t openly share a lot of those stories with their peers immediately.
4. What lead men to commit such crimes?
5. Men, very sadly, do not believe that harassment exists at such a large scale.
6. Why nobody speaks about it or against it, why is it so normalized
7. What can we do about it

The population of Earth is 7.8 Billion. About 49.6% are female and 50.4% are male. According to the United Nations, it is estimated that 35 per cent of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or sexual violence by a non-partner (not including sexual harassment) at some point in their lives. However, some national studies show that up to 70 per cent of women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime. Personally, I feel that if harassment (Catcalling, Eve teasing, Molesting, Raping, Sexual or Physical Abuse, Stalking) gets included, that number would definitely be higher than 80%. Let us assume 70% of women will get harassed at least once in their lifetime. That makes it 3.09 Billion Women. Let that sink in. 3.09 Billion women will get harassed once in their lifetime. (You might say that there are a lot of babies in that number, there are babies as young as 5 months getting raped these days). So, let us assume for a moment that these babies will grow up and get harassed because currently nothing really happens to men who harass women. Are you uncomfortable assuming 70%, well, if we take even 50% that makes it 1.93 Billion Women. Isn’t that number really high?

When men usually see such huge numbers, they deny it, their question always is how can so many woman get harassed? how can there be so many bad men? there must be a lot of fake allegations, not all men behave like this. Well, to all such men, it’s absolutely true that not all men behave in such a manner, but just enough men so that more than 50% (this number is definitely bigger, surveys do not get carried out in developing countries where crime rates are much higher) of women get harassed at least once in their lifetime.

When the #MeToo Movement broke out, so many of my friends shared their stories on social media, so many did not. I will get back to why people do not share later on.

I wanted to share the stories of women in my circles who have faced harassment anonymously. So that people understand what women go through and why women don’t speak up. I have asked all the women who were willing to share the following questions

1. How old were you when this incident happened?
2. Was it someone you knew or someone you trusted?
3. Where exactly did this incident happen?
4. What exactly happened?
5. How did you feel when it was happening or immediately after it happened?
6. Did you do anything after this happened? Shout at the person? Complained to your parents or police? Basically did you do anything to get the person punished?
7. If you did, what gave you the motivation and how did you go about it? If you did not, can you please explain what stopped you from getting the person punished?
8. Anything that you would like to say to men and women?
9. You can also add anything else that you feel like adding.

Please find the experiences of various women below.

• Woman 1

Incident 1: I was 19 years old. I was on a very busy lane in a market. Everyone was moving ahead very closely. I could feel something on my ass, when I looked back there was a guy with a bag in his hand. I thought it must be the bag which I’m feeling. Still, I went into a diverging lane and waited for him to go ahead and then after sometime joined the previous lane. After 5 mins I could feel something again on my ass and it was the same person. I couldn’t be believe that it happened, I kept denying it. By the time I could process that this happened to me, he was gone. Most Women freeze when something like this happens. They are in denial. Next time, you ever see a woman slapping a guy in some public transport, understand that things like this happen to her everyday. And that’s how she was able to act so quickly. I’ve heard men say that they are afraid that if by mistake they touch a girl she might react, but we generally give people benefit of doubt more than we should

Incident 2: I was 16 years old, coming back from my coaching. It was around 8 PM and was waiting for my mom to pick me up. There were 6 men who were staring me and cat calling. I got very scared because they were huge in number. I decided to go inside the metro and exit from the opposite gate, however they were following me everywhere. Finally when my mom arrived she couldn’t find a parking close to the exit gate, so actually ran to the car. My heart was racing and all I could think of was gang rapes. I didn’t do anything because they were huge in number and I don’t trust people on streets to help me out. They would have believed me but probably they also would be scared of 6–7 guys. Saving myself mattered more than getting them punished at that time.

• Woman 2

As a women, I guess it is inevitable, unfortunately, that you experience some incident where a random guy runs his hands over your body, touches you inappropriately etc in a crowd or so. But when those things happened to me in teenage, I had been a rebel enough to chase them off. But in this one I didn’t or rather couldn’t do anything.
It happened in my primary school (in 2–3rd standard), he was my music teacher in school. We didn’t have many music classes in that standard but he did monitor the class when any teacher was on leave. And whenever he came to our class, he used to call me over to his chair behind the teacher’s desk, which conveniently for him was huge enough, and run his hands under my pinafore over places your mind would suggest as most disgusting. I never knew what was going on, except only that I was uncomfortable and wanted it to stop. What’s more disturbing is that he would not just do it to me, but few other girls in the class as well. As a kid, I was never comfortable being around him. And when I reached high school I always got tense whenever I had to see him (for events and stuff). All of this, without realizing why. I never understood what exactly happened until I reached college and the internet broke out with all such stories women have faced. Honestly, the metoo movement was the first time I got introduced to the concept of abuse. Later, I followed up on him and tried to warn the school about it, but found that he had been dead by then.

• Woman 3

It happened 1–2 years back while I was travelling in a bus in hyderabad. He was a random person. A Middle Aged man, 40+ years, entered the bus from the front door. That’s usually for the ladies and old people. While trying to get to the gents section he pushed himself through all those women in the bus and I already felt disturbed seeing that. I was standing almost at the intersection of ladies and gents areas. This guy came and stood behind me. After a while I could feel him touching me inappropriately. I gave him a benefit of doubt and just shifted my place little bit. After a couple of minutes he was still behind me and the same inappropriate touch. I had no doubts this time. Maybe you have heard of worse things but this is the first time something has happened to me. So that’s a big deal for me. I always thought I would react to such things and punish those people. But I was totally opposite to that. I didn’t say anything instead I moved far away from him and was standing quietly until he dropped off from the bus. I didn’t do anything not even shared it with my mom. To this date I feel bad about it that I did nothing. I knew I wouldn’t meet this person again. Also me shouting at him wouldn’t change him. I thought I would create a scene in a public place. Maybe the main reason was I didn’t have any proof. If that guy says he didn’t do anything wrong then that would be the end of it because we have no proof. If I were to regret anything in life, not reacting to that situation would be there for sure. I don’t know what to say to men. I think it all starts with how you raise your children at home. Never show any difference between your son and daughter. Maybe you don’t say anything directly but children learn from your actions. Abusing your partner, not treating them equally would be a start. People should react to things. That’s how you can change things. In that bus Maybe I was a kid who was a little afraid to say anything, but there were many elders around me. The bus conductor could have asked him not to come from the ladies section, the uncle standing behind him could have asked him to behave properly… that day if people would have reacted then maybe I would have thought that I need to react in such situations. And I repeat, children learn from their elders.

• Woman 4

Incident 1: This happened when I was 8 or 9 I don’t remember exactly..My mum asked me to get her stitched clothes from a neighbour aunty who is a tailor…So, I went inside the house searching for aunty but she was not there. Then her son who is some 10years older than me called me saying come, I’ll show you where she is… So as I was a kid I trusted him and went inside the room then he lifted me up and kissed me on my lips… I was numb for a sec then I shouted and scratched him. Maybe he thought that he would be caught if I continue to shout…He put me down immediately… Then I ran as fast as I could and closed my room door as if he was a demon who’s trying to catch me. And I stopped going to their house. But the saddest part was I used to call this person as ‘Anna’

Thank God we changed our house from that locality the following year. I never had to see his face again

Incident 2: Another incident happened when I went to this handloom products exhibition with my mom… It was night and the closing time of the exhibition so only few people were there. We bought some earrings from a shop and then my mum got a call so she asked me to give him the money .As I gave him the note he started groping my hands…I felt like slapping him but I did nothing and ran to my mom. I think most of the girls won’t be able to report these incidents to their parents because most of the parents instead of confronting that person, start to restrict the girls from going out or going alone…their complete freedom would be cut down. I guess this happens more often in the telugu households… I have so many friends whose parents won’t allow them to go out even with the female friends.

• Woman 5

Incident 1: I was 12 or 13 years old when it happened. He was a stranger. And it happened in an exhibition. For the rides in exhibition, working guys come and set the seatbelts and all. So for one such ride, that guy while setting my seatbelt grabbed my breasts. And he did that for 3–4 times coming now and then. Firstly, I didn’t understand what was happening. and I was super scared and i have started crying. I have immediately got down that ride before it starts and ran back to my parents. I didn’t tell them. They asked me what happened, didn’t say a word. I said it was nothing. I knew my parents will believe me. i knew that they will react for what happened. But still, I didnt tell them. It was because, that was time I started noticing change in my body. and I didn’t like it. I didnt like having breasts. I was feeling conscious of my own body. usually indian parents don’t talk about it.. I don’t blame my parents. they have always been good ones. but still they weren’t open to talk such stuff. after few months I felt I could’ve opened my mouth. I have let him do the same thing to other girls as well.

Incident 2: It happened when I was 18. He was tailor uncle and our family knows him. He used to stay near our house also. I went to his shop which is neat my house to get my salwar stitched. He said he has to take my measurements and got the tape. literally I started feeling his touch very different initially itself. Then he started touching everywhere. I was totally pissed off and I was angry. I stopped him, I started shouting at him asking what he was even doing. I went back home and complained to my parents as well. I came back to that shop. We filed complaint to our colony association. He was asked to remove his shop. I didn’t wanted to do same mistake that I have done years before. I didnt want any other person to go through the same and that jerk has to know what he has done is wrong and I am not going to keep quite for whatever he does. Also my younger sister was beside me, i wanted her to be brave and open

• Woman 6

I was 20 years old when I got injured in my right shoulder. I was recommended to go for physiotherapy. I went to my college hospital, and set an appointment with whoever was available at that time. He was a new doc because I haven’t seen him before. I was wearing a broad necked top because I knew I had to pull down my top off my shoulder for him to examine it, and it was ok. But what was not ok was that he was standing behind me and too close to be feel comfortable. After doing some mobility tests, he started kind of massaging my shoulders (even my left shoulder which was not injured). His hands kept going down. I stopped him by moving and giving him the hint that I was not comfortable at all. I left and made a point to never return to the same doctor ever again.

Few weeks later, when I was going to a diff physio, I had an interesting conversation with a female patient who said she used to go to the same doctor. She too faced similar uncomfortable situation and changed her doc. We were both confused because even though nothing “actually” happened, it felt like harrasment. That day after leaving the hospital I kept thinking what is the boundary between a doc treating a patient and a doc harrasing one. The fact that I was mentally disturbed is reason enough to call this a harrasment.

I did not make any formal complaint regarding this incident. All I did was fill up a hospital feedback form and suggested to have a female physiotherapist appointed for women to feel comfortable about going there.

I have been to different physiotherapists and other doctors and never faced such an uncomfortable situation. Every other doc I met was very professional.

• Woman 7

This is happened when i was in my first year of engineering with in 2 weeks after joining. I don’t know the person by name or face. That was the first time i have seen him. He is the person who suppose to guide us while doing experiments in physics lab basically a teacher assistant. I was touched inappropriately by that person. I am not sure whether that incident is happening for real or not. It might be due to many sexual harassments that happened since my childhood. I doubted my instincts at that time whether that is happening for real or i was hallucinating. So i never shared that with any person or took any appropriate step on it. I was scared about the confused state i was in thinking about why i cant come to conclusion whether things are happening for real or not. In that trauma i stayed for few weeks and after that i moved on. Similar Cases happened with the person i trusted as my friends in college. Everytime i used to get the same doubts. But one day i decided to stop this and went to student counsellors in college. That is the first step i took against it. I spoke to her about the harassments i have gone through all the years and the state i was in. After that i went to those people who were responsible for this situation and asked them about it. I never complained against them since it’s already past many days the incidents occurred. But atleast by doing so i got a clarity that i was not hallucinating and i must react if such incidents are happening.

• Woman 8

It was my first day in the capital city. I was really happy for getting a chance to be an intern in a startup, the joy of first company, first salary, first time living all my own was overwhelming but didn’t expect it to be the first of #metoo incident in public.
So here I was, travelling in metro, constantly checking my watch, wondering if I would be on time. It was the peak of the day, everyone hustling to reach their respective offices on time and there wasn’t an inch of space to move. I was pushed by a guy who was standing in front of me. He blamed ppl behind him. I tried to move a bit away from him and now I was facing my back towards him. After a minute or so, the next stop arrived and he came too close to rub his dick on my body. I was too disgusted,shocked and traumatised for what had happened and within seconds he left the metro.
Yes, I couldn’t do anything. I was feeling helpless after that, regretting for not able to be quick in response. This incident was a wake up call for me to be alert whenever I go out and a reminder that it’s not safe out there! Hoping to be brave enough to handle if something like happens again.

• Woman 9

This incident happened when I was around 6 years. I used to play with my neighbours son (around 23–24 years) and his niece who lived with them (5 years old). We shared a common balcony so we used to play there. Sometimes I would go to their house to play with her niece and watch TV with her. One day the 3 of us decided to play hide and seek in their house. My friend had to find us and her brother said we both could hide in one of the storerooms which had lots of places to hide behind. I agreed and went with him. Once we were there, I felt he touched me somewhere just below my tummy which didn’t feel appropriate. I was pretty small to figure out what it was but I didn’t feel comfortable. So I said I had to go home and I ran away. I used to tell everything to my mother so I told her this incident when she asked me what we did today (though I was not sure if it was something to complain or talk about). My parents immediately called their parents to our house and told them everything. (I wasn’t in the room though when this happened). His parents are such lovely people and they were so so ashamed and punished their son harshly and did not let him out of the house for many days. They also sent his niece back to her mother for some days and I did not play with him anytime after. Just iterating, that I trusted the person as I had been playing with him since some days and he was from a very good, educated family. Their parents were very good friends with our family too.
That time I just talked to my mother as I always did, without understanding the gravity of the situation. However, I would urge everyone, be it a boy or girl, to speak up when anything of this sorts happen. You can talk to your parents, friends, siblings or anyone you trust and feel comfortable with. Atleast then it would not haunt you for the rest of your lives and would give you the power to fight any such thing as you grow up.

• Woman 10

I was 12–13. I was not aware of anything sexual at that age. It was someone I knew. My family had shifted back to our old neighbourhood. He was my next door friend’s
Old Grandfather.I used to give him a regular ‘namaste’ out of respect. This incident happened At my Friend’s house. She was my next door neighbour and we used to play at each other’s house very often. Her grandfather who was very old had a small ill-lit room at the back of house. She went upstairs to get clothes left for drying or something along these lines. I was pretty comfortable in her house and was roaming when I was called by her grandfather to his room. He called me to sit near him on his bed. It did not feel “bad” then because grandparents do call kids to sit and listen. He held close to him almost on his lap. He started touching my face and then kissing it.Then He was kissing my neck and his hands around my buttocks and chest and he was kissing me at places and it was so slow and fast altogether i couldn’t figure out what was happening. I was confused. As soon as my friend came down I pushed his chest back andI went to my house. My grandfather used to kiss my cheek affectionately and all i knew was the feeling of my grandfather’s affection and what happened was worlds apart. I had no idea that people are not supposed to touch or squeeze or feel someone like that. Years have passed and all I call what I felt is a feeling of “bad touch”. Both my parents were working and I came to an empty house. I did not leave my room till my elder brother entered. We never had a discussion around this ‘topic’ so i did not know who would listen or tell me what had happened exactly. It was a old neighbourhood we had shifted but I didn’t had any close friends other than my next-door friend to go to .All that i did was not enter his room again. I was mostly scared for feeling the ‘bad touch’ that i did not greet anybody’s grandparents with a namaste if they were alone in a room for the next 2 years or so when I finally realised what had actually happened.Thats when i felt ashamed because when i was finally taught about all this it was all taught as things we should not do. I was terrified and wanted to forget about it .But even though i forgot most details of the event I still remember the shivering feeling of ‘bad touch’. I finally told my mother when we were watching an episode of Satyamev Jayata on a sunday morning. I was about 15 and was well aware of everything. In that episode the host , Amir khan was trying to explain parents that they should teach their kids about the touch and he brought a guest who told her incident and said She is okay now and its okay to talk about it. Watching my mother nod with what was being said on the show reassured me that I am n a safe environment where i can finally tell it. She was angry . She said some very cruel words to the now dead old man while in the kitchen and scolded me a bit for not saying it when it happened . We had already shifted to another neighbourhood and ended our conversation with the horrible death of that old man and She promise that if i her tell like this again she will do something for me if i couldn’t . I still don’t know if my father knows about it.
Sexual harassment is a traumatic experience in itself but when it happens to someone who doesn’t understand it they grow through the experience again when they think about it to figure it out by themselves. And if they are like me they would bury that memory till it’s no more a memory even till they become old and strong and also ‘sure’ enough of what happened was harassment or molestation, to talk about it. So if anyone opens to you about it ,please believe them. It takes so many years to the victim to finally believe their own memories , their feeling of ‘bad touch’. A reassurance of your support and believe in them will help them get closure and maybe move on.

I read it in some book.Its for people who had an incident of any level as child or even adult they had tried to forget and now feel its not relevant or people wouldn’t believe or if you don’t have all the memories as clear as facts so you can’t say it out loud :

“If I can’t be sure of the actual events any more, I can at least be true to the impressions those facts left”

Your words are enough. Your story could be another victim’s reassurance of belief in themself and others.

• Woman 11

I was seventeen years old when it happened and he is our instructor in the physics lab.That was our first day at physics lab and my first experiment has to be done in a dark room. We were told that our lab instructor is absent as she was not feeling well so they have sent this guy in her place. We were told to gather and the instructor guy has explained to us how to conduct the experiment in a very vague way possible. After that, me and my partner set up our apparatus and started taking readings. He came up to us and told my lab partner to go to another table to take the readings and I was told to complete the rest of the readings of our experiments. The apparatus is set up on this table which is at the corner of the room with a small space in between the table and the wall . I have to move around the table to take every reading by changing the scale position. The instructor started coming to my table to check my performance. But everytime he came up to me he started getting close by touching my hands, grazing my waist while trying to explain how to set the scale for my experiment multiple times. I was not comfortable and started moving two feet back whenever he came up to my table. At first, I thought it happened by mistake but when I went into the small space to take readings he grazed my back and I froze up. I was very uncomfortable and I want to get out of that place as soon as possible. But he was evaluating every one’s experiment except mine and the people started leaving slowly. Except for me, my lab partner and that stupid instructor everyone else has completed their work and left the room. I was so scared and I started crying and shaking and he came up to me and took my viva and asked me where I am from and I replied Andhra and he abused south indians in hindi. I was too scared, shocked and it was all too overwhelming. I did not report or shouted back at him which I regret. It has affected me emotionally. I would like to say to every person out there that if someone tries to take advantage of you without your consent, defend yourself and do not let them harm you. Prepare yourself to react quick and report them if possible. We need to acknowledge that no one has the right to hurt us and if we react the molester might fear doing it to anyone again. Do not fear anyone and stand up for yourself and trust me you will feel much better and stronger. Also please provide emotional support to the people you know who have faced these situations and are not taking it well.

• Woman 12

It was when I was in school 6th class.. We used to have like long hours at school.. Just hitting puberty that time.. Didn’t know about good touch, bad touch.. Because there was not much awareness then. Before that we were just kids. We used to have study hours in schools.. Once my social teacher sat beside me in a study hour and he put his hand over me like he was trying to get something that was on the other side but groped me. I did not know how to respond or who to tell. I did not know whether it was intentional or something that’s just random. But I definitely knew deep inside that it was not random! I avoided him the 2 years I was in that school. I never had any direct interaction with him after that!

• Woman 13

This happened when i was in class 8 , i along with my aunt went to buy an ethnic wear from some store. We chose the one which i wanted , but it was in a bigger size , so i wanted to get it altered. My aunt was doing payment nearby while i was giving my measurements for the alter. The person who was taking the measurements was a middle aged man , what at that time i would call “uncle”. He took the measurements in a very strange , and i felt so uncomfortable. But i could not say anything because i was too small to understand , why will a grown up man do something like this , or maybe he was just taking measurements. and i did not have the strength to describe it to anybody , not even my aunt . I feel that i should have spoken up , i regret keeping quite. When at the time of leaving the shop i was in tears , my aunt asked me what happened , i thought i would tell her , but did not have the words to say anything , i just said i had headache ( reason for tears ) .

• Woman 14

Incident 1: So this was when I was 21 years old, at an area in guwahati surrounded by a lot of locals and it was dark, some local grabbed me and kissed my hands and cheeks and I started shouting and pushing around so then people around me realised and came to my rescue. Then they asked me if I want them to do anything about it. At that time I dont know what I was thinking, I was in utter shock and disgust and just responded saying no it’s fine and I think partially also because I hadn’t seen his face and since it was dark, I didn’t know how to recognise him. It all happened so instantly that I couldn’t process what had happened, in retrospect now I do think it would have been better if we would have been able to find the perpetuator then and there. Since this was when I was in college, I didn’t tell my parents or any authorities because I doubt college authorities were in a position to do anything.

Incident 2: This was when I was really small, I don’t remember the exact age but maybe somewhere around 12–15, so I was sleeping and I have a faint recollection that someone tried to touch my breasts. I’m almost certain it happened because it did a couple of times I think, and I used to get up and question the person. It was someone I knew. I was really small to understand what all of this meant and what to do in a situation like this and so I didn’t tell my parents, I didn’t have that safe environment to tell my parents anything and everything(things like this kind, I mean) I guess

• Woman 15

Incident 1: I experienced not-so-serious multiple incidents of sexual misconduct. The first was when I was 12 or 13 and this happened right outside my school, I along with my 3 other friends were waiting in a bolero for the driver to take us back to hostel. Meanwhile a man (in his 40s I guess) came and parked his bike right across the road and started to jerk looking at us and he was laughing. We were dumbstruck. We had no idea what he was doing. It was awkward for us and we tried not to look at him. Only when the driver came, that man left. And it took me couple of years to realize that it was not a crazy man who unzipped his pants in the middle of a road but could have been a potential case of sexual abuse.

Incident 2: The other one was when I was in college, during one of the cult fest nights. It was bollywood night, out in the cricket field. Understandably, there was a huge crowd and I along with a bunch of friends were trying to find way through the crowd into the inner arena. And some hand from the crowd grabbed my breast. I was alarmed but I thought it might be some misplaced hand and there were so many people rushing through so I dismissed my initial thought. But it happened again. This time I was sure that it was intentional. I looked around but there was a huge crowd madly dancing to the songs I could not point finger at anyone. It took me a couple of minutes to come back to reality from all the mental outrage and confusion and I just walked along and what else could I have done!

The previous incident did not affect me, I didn’t even know what he was doing but this time, I was 20 years old, I was fully aware and it felt strange, I wasn’t angry or sad but I think I was surprised at how easy it is for anyone to commit such things and absolutely no way to punish the doer. I really wonder what is the solution to these kind of stuff, they are not too big for filing a complaint or demanding a trail and not so small to just dismiss away.

But cumulatively when it is seen, there remains a problem to be identified first and may be solved next.The basic thing is to have respect for self and also towards other human beings. Such an intuitive human instinct, isn’t it? But the current society somehow is unable to understand it.

• Woman 16

So I don’t exactly remember the exact time coz I was very young.. It could have been in 3rd or 4 th standard. So it was my rikshaw driver who drove me to school with a few other fellow students. As I mentioned I was pretty young back then and did not get along with my fellow students in the rickshaw. They kind of always bullied me. So the driver would kind of always take my side and scold them for me. So I kind of began to trust him. I remember him kissing me , hugging me and making me sit in the front part of the rickshaw. I was too young to feel uncomfortable at that point of time. I remember telling my mother of kissing part, and she telling me to never do it, especially coz neighbours could see that when I asked for specific reason. So I told the driver to not do it but I didn’t really understood why it was prohibited, so I just told him not to do it near our house coz my mother or someone known could see. Afterwards he was changed so that incident stopped. Although the next one was even worse due to different reasons. He was a drunkard and loved shouting at the us children and was one of the most negative person I have seen in my life.. And from which you should definitely keep your children away.
And its years later that I understood what he did was wrong, but before that I never once felt any bad feelings towards him, I even felt sad when he was changed coz the bullying intensified more. I think till date… I cant muster much bad feelings about that guy, coz I had began to rely on him.

From my incident I can’t say much to men/women but I can say to parents that it is extremely important to take care of the people around your child, for me personally, I wudnt have come to rely on such a person in the first place if the bullying didn’t happen or my parents noticed that…. So take time to listen to your kids, get to know the people around them, try to understand them. Additionally, I wudnt have began to hide things from them if they had understood me and explained things to me properly instead of just cutting me off and telling me just not to do somethinh

• Woman 17

This incident happened to me when I was in 8 th standard, very naive to fully comprehend the situation. So what had happened was, My mother and I was walking by the roadside while going back home. And another pedestrian was also coming from the opposite side and he made an attempt to touch me. But my mom noticed him before he could do anything and stopped him as well as shouted on him infront of everyone. I was in absolute shock as I hadn’t realised till then that someone could do such thing and people like him actually exists in our society. So, this was the first incident which actually made me see the disgusting side of our society and taught me to be extra cautious.

• Woman 18

I was about 10 years of age, when this incident happened. A pandit lived as a tenant in our neighbourhood and he used to visit our house frequently for Poojas. One day, while returning from some errand, I happened to meet him outside his house and he started talking about how my studies were going, etc. Then he told me that he has some Prasad which I should take home and so he called me in his house. I knew him quite well so I went. Before giving me Prasad he was like, let me give you a mantra which if you enchant before studying will make your brain sharper. He asked me to sit down and he started saying some mantras. Then he took my hand, started rubbing my head and then slowly slid his hands under my shirt. He started touching my breasts and I was very young, I didn’t even realise what was happening and I sort of froze waiting for it to get over. But it continued, I was so just 10, I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on. After a while my mom started calling me seeing my cycle parked out of his house so he quickly gave me the Prasad and I came out of his house. Even on that day I wasn’t able to understand what happened, but somehow that incident never left my memory. After a couple of years when A similar incident but on a minute level happened with my cousin sister, I became more conscious about the event that happened with me on that day. I never spoke about it yo anyone, never mentioned it to my parents. Even the pandit also left the society after that year. It’s been more than 12 years since that incident but a mere thought of it still upsets me

• Woman 19

I was 7 years old when this incident happened. It wasn’t me who was harassed but someone very close to me, my mom. We just moved to a new town. We were in a movie theatre leaving the hall after the movie, when i heard my mom scream very loud out of the crowd. She was wearing a new saree she liked and it was some random person who pinched her waist hard. Since everyone was rushing the culprit in the mob escaped and I was too small to see anything standing in the crowd. I didn’t know what harassment meant at that time but I knew that something bad happened to my mom and it was traumatic. All I could think of was how I can protect her every time I went out with her from the ill mannered men out in the world. I remember struggling to tell her not to wear a saree but to wear a punjabi dress every time she got ready to go outside to movies or any other crowdy places. I was angry, shocked and disgusted by the incident. And now as a grown up I can only imagine how bad it was for her.
Now after many years I can only recall how protective my mom was over me that I never faced any harassment till I went to my college and was under her constant surveillance.

• Woman 20

Hi, I am currently 21 years old. And in some years of my experience into the real world, I have personally faced harassment so many times that I have lost the count.

But just to state some of the incidents, I can remember the first time when I faced anything as such was in class 10, when I got my first cellphone and a new phone number. I didn’t give my number to many people just my best friend in school and my father saved my number in his phone. One day I received a call from some unknown number to which I replied by saying wrong number, again I received a call from same number and as my Mother knew that no one really has my number as such so she picked the call this time, and the person from the other side stated “Or Randi kitne mai milegi?”, he might have said something more but my Mother removed phone from speaker. She said “Wrong number and mentioned not to call ever again”. But this continued for some days, that person used to call daily and either we pick call and shout or he keeps on calling. I was 14 at that time, really scared as he mentioned one day on phone “ghar se Bahar nikal tab dekhunga” to me. I didn’t know we can block or report a phone number at that time. But I did check his location on truecaller which showed some nearby location. So one day when he called and my father was there, he picked the call and shouted and warned him that we will complaint and file FIR, he even abused him. After this I never used to take my phone anywhere, even asked my mother that I don’t need a phone if such things will happen. I was 14 and this was the first incident.

I used to drive Scooty to my coaching centre during, and being a newbie. My father always advised me to drive slow, one regular day while I was going to coaching driving slowly on the side of road, A bike came near me while driving honked their bike really loud, said some words and speeded. As I recently started driving, I was disbalanced and was about to fall but luckily nothing happened. I speeded my scooty of which I have no clue why followed the bike and shouted at him “Dekh ke nahi chal skta kya butte”. That was the first time I ever abused, they speeded away as they didn’t expect I would follow them down and say something. I felt really good as that was the first time I actually spoke for myself. Later when I told this to my parents, they shouted on me that you should’ve not done anything as they might have harmed you. But for me that was the first time I stood up for myself.

I got admission to one of the prestigious institution of India where environment was really safe and we(girls) could actually freely roam around not caring about anyone. This was first year of my college, I was a shy person, didn’t have many seniors in contact and was really into studies. On Republic Day, we have our hostel parade, I went there to participate. While I was coming back a guy chased me down and at the entrance of my hostel he called my name. He confirmed my name and my department and told me someone was asking for me in the parade ground. I was really tired so I told him if its not urgent I will go. He went away at that time, I returned to my room and slept. When I woke up and logged onto my fb account, I found that same guy have liked all my pictures, sent me friend request and message. I ignored it since I did not know him at all and it felt creepy. Little did I know this was the least creepy of everything that will follow. Next day while I was going to my lab, I had earphones plugged and was on my cycle. I thought someone was following me but everyone had labs at that time so I ignored. The same guy comes near me on cycle and said hi. I was shocked, as his cycle was really close to mine. I fell down for once then I asked him what does he want. He told me he has backlog in some of the subjects and will follow same classes as of us. So as he asked I told him the class timings to help. And then went to my workshop. Now this became the regular thing, he used to follow me everywhere on campus, even when I am with my friends, he used to come to class sit nearby and message me on fb, video calls and things. One day he sent me 4–5 pictures of me which were taken when I was in parade ground. I was scared to the heart, didn’t know what to do, he really gave me the creeps, I was 17 and a shy person. I told this to one of our senior and she told me she will take care of it and he won’t follow me anymore and if he does I should inform her. He didn’t for 4–5 days and I thought everything’s normal. We had Alcheringa cultural fest and during that fest lots of people come around to campus to enjoy. During one such pronite, I was with my friend group in which we were 3 girls and 11 other boys. We were dancing, and amidst this all I saw the same guy near me. I was scared, he smelled drunk and his eyes was staring me in a very demeaning way. I told my friends there and he went away as soon as he saw I am telling others. Then after sometime he came back with his friends, and they were seniors and we really couldn’t do anything. We left the pronite, I was shit scared, I felt the worst, I didn’t know what to do, I really thought that he could harm me. I asked my friends to please drop me to my hostel as I am really scared to go alone. Next week I had assignments and things to do, and I got fever because of how much scared I felt. I went to my senior and told her she asked me that she will complaint to his warden and will inform our caretaker too. And if it happened again I should just go and complaint about him. I forgot about this over weekend and that guy followed me everywhere meanwhile. One day while I was returning from lab somewhere around 6 in the evening, I saw him following me. I was scared at first but I had to deal with this somehow. So I slow paced my cycle and straight away went near him and asked him of why is he doing this, and if he don’t stop this I’ll complaint and he will have to face the consequences. He told me, “ I had a girlfriend who looked like you and now he’s dead and this is why I am following you”. I couldn’t t really think for a moment, I was shit scared, I thought this guy would do something with me and kill me afterwards. Somehow I shouted on him as to stop following me or else I’ll complaint. I told seniors and my friends about it they told me to complaints, but as I had my mid semester coming up, I forgot about this and he didn’t follow me afterwards. This is one such incident which made me to stop uploading pictures on social media, keep a really low profile around. I saw him at times in campus and sweared to me that if he ever did anything again I will not let him go away. But luckily nothing happened. This was all in a premiered institute, where we were really safe. I told my parents after coming back from college, as I didn’t want to scare them away.

When I was 18 years old, one such harassment happened in June 2017 while I was at home during summer vacations. I received messaged on WhatsApp from an unknown number. Around that time juniors were messaging to ask for help during counselling process, so I assumed that this must be some junior asking for help.

Unknown Number[08:30pm]: Hi

Me[08;35pm]-hey, who is this?

Unknown Number[09:00pm]: Rahul

Me[09:02pm]: Rahul Bhaiya, aap?

He didn’t message me for an hour and I turned the data off. At around 12am when I turned on my data. I found that guy has sent me a photo. I thought he’s one of my cousin and sent me his picture. I downloaded it and it was a Dick pic, a guy masturbating. I couldnt see anything in the picture but once I realised as to what it is. In a rush I deleted that picture from my phone blocked that number and went numb for like 15 minutes. I couldnt think of anything, I felt disgusted, and for some reason I felt ashamed of myself. Well aware of the fact that this is on him, I didn’t do anything. I blocked that number and reported it later. I couldnt tell my parents about this, I felt ashamed of my own self for some reason for days and from then onwards I used settings and privacy options on all my profiles so that this never happens again. But then again this was just the start. In my last years I have faced so many things, in some I was proud of what I did, but in most of them I felt helpless, scared, ashamed.

These are just few of the incidences that I have experienced, list has become so long as to I can’t even summarise it.

• Woman 21

Recently while I was reading a lot about sexual harassment, a repressed memory came to my mind all of a sudden. I was around 10–12yrs old. My mom had called an electrician to the house because some switches were not working. It was mid-day. My mom and I were standing and watching the man work on a switch board. Someone rang the doorbell and my mom went to get the door. That was when the electrician’s tool (I don’t really remember exactly what it was) dropped from his hand and he started looking for it. I went there to help him. While I was trying to look for the tool, I felt that the guy came and stood very close to me. Uncomfortably close. Honestly I don’t remember what exactly happened. Probably some contact, not sure. But I do remember that as a kid, I was unsure of what happened in that fraction of a minute and I felt very very uneasy. I quickly backed off. By then my mom was back. She didn’t see anything happening. The guy was back to work. I was standing at my original location.

Unsure of what happened, but knowing for sure that something was wrong. But I didn’t tell anything to anyone, because I thought I was imagining things, I thought it was probably just me who misunderstood. Whereas deep down, I knew that wasn’t the case. I was angry, scared, confused, frustrated — all at once. And that’s it, I didn’t do anything.
Now I’m so sorry that I didn’t say a word. What if that scumbag went on and repeated similar things again and again?

I really wish people would speak about sexual abuse more openly. I wish schools would talk about it. Kids need to know about the world they live in. Girls should have the knowledge and the support to speak up and not take any bullshit. This is just one of the incidents. Like many other girls, when I grew up I have seen guys staring at me with looks that seemed very scary and made me feel uncomfortable. Thankfully my mom is a very strong lady. I have seen her speak up for her rights. I have seen her confront such men in public. And I learnt and absorbed the same attitude as I grew up.

• Woman 22

I was around 14 years old. I went on a trip to Varanasi with my cousins, uncle and aunt. We were travelling in an auto rickshaw. I was sitting on one of the sides in the auto. Two boys were passing by in the opposite direction. One of the boy put his hand inside the moving auto and grabbed my breast for a second. I was extremely shocked what just happened. I could hear them laugh but I was not able to do anything. Something like this had happened for the first time with me. I was not able to believe something like this could happen even inside a moving auto. I was not with my parents at that time. The weird feeling was there with me for a long time during that trip. I was not comfortable sharing this with my uncle and aunt either. And then I just let go of the incident untill something similar happened. I used to travel to school via public bus. One day when I was returning home from school, I was standing near the gate of the bus waiting to get down at my stop. Just before my stop there is a tunnel due to which there is darkness for a few seconds. Within that time someone grabbed my breasts from the back. I looked around but there were so many people. I could not figure out who did it. Also my stop came. So I had to go down the bus. But since then i have been avoiding crowded public bus. At that time, I discussed this with my mother. I am not able to shout at people. But she made me realise it is important to take some action against such incidents.

• Woman 23

I was 22 when this incident happened. It was a stranger on a bus. I did my undergrad at IIT Guwahati. Our admin arranged buses for us everyday from Pan Bazar to campus. The point at where you board buses in city was Pan Bazar. I was returning from GS Road to Pan Bazar that day (Later on a friend had called me and asked me to come to another place so I did not eventually go to Pan Bazar). I was standing in a bus and we reached to a stop. There was this man who came forward, ran his hand over my hip, smiled at me and then got down the bus. I was shocked, for 2 mins I was telling myself that maybe I imagined it, maybe his hand touched me by mistake as there was a crowd, but I remember very well the way his hand moved over my hip and it was definitely not by accident. I didn’t feel sad or scared, I already heard similar stories many times from my friends but I felt disgusted. I also did not know how to react. Should I shout for help? Should I hit him? By the time I could even comprehend what happened, he got down from the bus.

• Woman 24

I was fourth class. We went on a family trip to varanasi. Two bachelors were in same train with us…..And they were also travelling to varanasi. My father being an extrovert became friends with them. We traveled varanasi and while we were returning back, at night in train, they pulled down pant and played with my belly. I couldn’t understand anything. I woke up my mom after sometime and told her and slept in fear. I can hear my mom and dad discussing something but I didn’t hear it exactly. The next day, I woke up. I know something bad has happened but my parents were acting like nothing happened. I was dull and were asking my if I was fine, why am I dull. I never seen those guys later in train, maybe parents had fight with them or something. To know it really happened to me, it believe it’s not a dream, it took me years.

End of Experiences.

All the above incidents are crimes committed by men. They all went unpunished and I can bet they did this to other women as well. These cases haven’t been reported. So many cases go unreported.

I think one of the main reasons men don’t believe that harassment happens on such a large scale is because they don’t want to believe so many men are capable of harassing. If you read all the stories above, you might have understood that a lot of women actually don’t want to believe that someone just misbehaved with them. I think a lot of us actually want to believe that most men are nice.

Also, a lot of men and women, in the name of equality question why women don’t give up seats in public transport for old women/ old men, to people who actually need the seat. Well, as you might have read, significant women get harassed on public transport. No wonder there are reservations for women in trains, buses and we have women only compartments. So next time, please don’t bother asking women to give up their seat in public transport until you have made sure she is absolutely safe and she does not get harassed while she is standing. Guess what? You can’t really make sure as public transport is often quite crowded.

Can you imagine the kind of anxiety women go through when they experience something like this or when they hear stories like this?

I personally try to look for women only compartments when I travel by metro. Otherwise, I always make sure I’m sitting or away from crowded places. I try not to go out alone at night. I lived in Delhi, and most of the times my guy friends dropped me at home when it got really late. Even if I’m traveling with my other girl friends we always make sure we come back home before late night or that we are with male friends. We check if the places that we are going to are secluded or not. We carry Jackets with us to cover ourselves up if we feel uncomfortable. I check for spy cameras when I’m in a changing room at mall. Before traveling to another city I always make it a point to know if that place is safe for women. I think twice before going out on a walk alone. Even when I go out alone, I walk in the places that I know are absolutely safe. I’m always very alert when I travel by cabs. I always make sure that the driver takes the routes that are not secluded. Some of my friends always carry pepper spray with them. To be honest, this has become a part of my life now that it doesn’t even trouble me. A lot of us live in a constant state of anxiety, and it has become so normal. It doesn’t bother me, the fact that I always have to be extra cautious to remain safe as compared to men. I don’t like it.

What lead men to commit such crimes?

1. Lack of empathy.
2. A belief in traditional gender roles.
3. A tendency towards dominance, that women are inferior.
4. They can get away with it and it’s horrifying that they can get away with it after inflicting so much of trauma on others.
5. They believe they have a right to it.
6. Men think women will be attracted to them and women will like it.
7. Some men think women have a sexual interest in them when women actually don’t.

Why don’t women speak up about it?

1. Most of them feel shocked when it first happens, they cannot imagine the fact that someone misbehaved with them, they even question themselves as to whether it really happened.
2. They don’t know what to do or how to respond, literally.
3. Some do not have a good relation with their parents. Some do not want to speak about it with their parents.
4. They think that nothing can be done about it anyways.
5. They think that people won’t believe them.
6. They do not understand what to do.
7. They think as to what kind of punishment will really be given to these people
8. They do no want drama. Experiencing something like this is itself very traumatic.
9. Some people do not want to spoil the guy’s careers, especially if he is a partner or a member of the family

What would women like to do if this world was absolutely safe?

https://www.boredpanda.com/no-men-on-earth-for-24-hours-tik-tok/

Most women would love to go on a walk at night alone

Somethings to which I don’t have an answer to

Whenever a woman wants to do something about what she went through, people ask for proof. How can a woman have proof when a teacher molests her secretly at school? When she goes to someone’s house and she gets groped? When family members or relatives harass her? When someone touches her inappropriately on public transport? Men raise questions about the validity and truth in harassment cases, and I feel so angry and so sad. What makes you think so many women are lying? Do you want women to attach some kind of camera to their body the entire day to record everything? Maybe we can fill this world up, every street, every corner with cameras, then what about those cases where men harass women at their own home, should we have cameras at home as well? Clearly none of these options are possible and it is not ideal. What kind of a world do we live in when humans forget completely about being humane and do disgusting things for their moment of pleasure at the expense of another person going through trauma and without having another person’s consent? And by the way, we are talking about half of the earth’s population here, Because the few women who don’t get harassed even once in their life (extremely rare) take precautions because they see their friends going through such incidents.

What can we do about it as a society?

1. Can we please stop making insensitive jokes that promote rape culture?
2. Call out bad behaviour when you are in groups. (Social Media Groups as well, please!)
3. Stop victim blaming women.
4. Speaking up more when uncomfortable
5. Punishments to those accused.
6. Call out bad behaviour when you are in groups.
7. Set up procedures in place that will help women report such incidents.
8. Listening to the victim
9. Gender Sensitization classes in schools and colleges.
10. Stop saying Men Will Be Men and hold men accountable.

If there are guys who made it till this point and still can’t understand how women feel, do read this.

https://www.boredpanda.com/nut-kicking-analogy-brett-kavanaugh-case/